Writing is hard sometimes — okay, a lot of the time.
So, if you need a break from the story you’ve been writing for an hour, here are some writer jokes that’ll give you a good laugh. (Or at least a good chuckle.)
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is — ”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
From Jokes About Writers
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
From Jokes About Writers
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “I guess about $13,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
From Absolute Write
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
From Letter Pile
A screenwriter receives a parrot for his birthday. The bird is fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word out of his beak is an expletive.
The writer tries hard to change the parrot’s behavior: he says polite words, plays soft music, anything he can think up, to set a good example. Nothing works.
He yells at the bird, and the bird yells back. He shakes the bird, but the bird just becomes more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he hears the bird squawk, swear, and scream.
Suddenly, there’s a deathly quiet. The guy’s frightened, thinking he might have injured the bird, so he quickly opens the freezer door. The parrot calmly steps out onto the writer’s extended arm, and says, “I believe I’ve offended you with my rude language and behavior. I will endeavor at once to correct this problem. I am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness.”
The writer is astonished at the bird’s dramatic change in attitude, but before he can say anything, the parrot continues, “Might I ask what the chicken did?”
From Letter Pile
What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline?
A really clean house.
Why did the writer cross the road?
She was supposed to be revising an essay, so she crossed the road to run some errands, and go for a quick walk, and maybe buy a new toaster.
How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?
13, but #9 will shock you!
Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?
She was having contractions.
From Writing and Wellness
Me, thinking about my plot: I’m a literary genius
Me, trying to write: I’d sell my soul for a full sentence
A novelist went to a psychiatrist and said anxiously, “Doc, I keep having the same dream, over and over. I wake up and I know the dream is a great idea for a best-selling novel, then I go back to sleep and, when I wake up the next morning, I can’t remember the plot! It’s driving me crazy!”
“When you go to bed at night,” the psychiatrist suggested, “leave a notepad and pencil on the bedside table. When you awake from the dream, with the memory of it fresh in your mind, write it down.”
That night, the writer placed a pad and pencil next to his bed. As usual, he had the dream again and woke up more convinced than ever that it was a terrific idea for a book. He snatched up the pencil, jotted a brief note, then, relieved, turned over and went back to sleep.
When the novelist awoke in the morning, he couldn’t remember a single thing about the dream, but he knew he’d followed the psychiatrist’s sage advice. Excited, he grabbed the notepad and read his note to himself:
“WRITE IT DOWN.”
From Writer’s Relief
Lying in bed: *constructs perfect plot*
Standing in shower: *constructs perfect characters*
While driving: *constructs perfect setting*
Staring at blank page: “wut r werds.”
Me, writing my book: Wow this is great! I can’t wait to read it over!
My book when I read over it: she frowned a bit, he smiled a bit, they stepped back a bit, I winced a bit, she laUGHED A BIT, WE FLINCHED A BIT, I SNORTED A BIT, HE HESITATED A BIT, WE WALKED A BIT, I READ FOR A BIT, THEY SHIFTED A BIT, I
Me, editing: what the fuck was I thinking
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You’ve already screwed in too many light bulbs. Repetition!
Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: But why do we have to CHANGE it?
Q: How many reviewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to tell you why they didn’t like how you did it.
Q: How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but you also need an editor, proofreader, cover artist, and an agent to be there at the same time.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes. Now, get back to writing!