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I Am an Ocean of Emotions (And I’m Tired Of Acting Like I’m Not)
No, you don’t have to “control” what you feel.
My family labels a lot of emotions as dramatic. If you get your feelings hurt, you’re sensitive. Angry? “Calm down.” And crying means you’re too emotional, so what do I do? I express nothing.
If someone throws a couple of rocks my way I let them hit me and roll my eyes as if they haven’t left any bruises. I’ve never slammed a door or raised my voice even though I’ve wanted to. I don’t give in to emotions that make me look anything less than put together lest I want to be called dramatic.
Some might call that emotional control, I call it emotional suppression. The problem is that I didn’t just bury sadness and anger — I threw love and vulnerability into the coffin, too.
When I was 16, I dated a girl whose hand I rarely held, who never heard about the butterflies that took flight in my stomach whenever she looked at me. At 21, I fell for a girl who never knew how I felt, and she fell for someone else. It was embarrassing and strange and awkward to be open about how I felt, so whatever the feeling, into the coffin it went.
