You Don’t Need Someone to Save You

But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

The voices in my head were loud again.

Loser. Idiot. Failure.

I squeezed my eyes shut as if these words were real monsters standing in front of me. Stop it. It’s not true, I whispered. But I didn’t believe myself.

I thought about my girlfriend at that moment. I need you, I thought. But she was asleep, dreaming in a different time zone.

And then I felt guilty. I shouldn’t need her. I can’t depend on her to make me feel better — I can do it myself. So I tried. For hours. I took deep breaths. I muttered kind words to myself. I told myself this was all normal. I’m okay.

It didn’t work.

By the time my girlfriend woke up, my heart was pounding in my chest. “You look like you’re about to cry,” she said through our facetime call.

“I was crying,” I replied.

“Why?”

“I feel anxious.”

“Do you know why?”

“All day I’ve been so hard on myself. I get so excited about working and writing, but when I sit down, I freeze. I can’t do anything, and I don’t understand why.” I didn’t bother to hide the storm in my eyes, the wreckage on my face.